rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize