P.S. I can't hear my feet
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
