Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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