I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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