Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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