You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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