I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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