P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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