3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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