He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
