My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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