I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
