She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
