We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
