Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
