thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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