So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
