I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I need water and some morals
Randomize