Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
