mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
