dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
