She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
