remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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