Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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