He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
