I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
