i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
