I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
