Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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