First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
