yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
