my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize