I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
