I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
