Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
