My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
