remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize