I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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