Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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