Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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