I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
