So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
