I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
