Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
