If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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