nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
