Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
