Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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