Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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