I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
