I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
