Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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