In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
