I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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