I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
