I hate all girls vehemently.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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