ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
