Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
