Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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