i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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