mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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