i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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