Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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