Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
