I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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