The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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