I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
