Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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