If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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