I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
