no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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