btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
