hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Randomize
