how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
