Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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